I wanna passion pit in your ass
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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