there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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