Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
