Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
