I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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