I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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