dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize