I wish I only lived at night.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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