i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
