Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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