my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
