You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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