proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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