the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
