I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize