i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
