Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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