Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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