and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
