My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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