he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
