Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
