I accidentally burped into my bong.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When are your genitals available?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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