I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
