I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
