dude i'm inner monologue high
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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