So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
