It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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