You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My dick has a subreddit
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
