just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
