i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
