something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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