he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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