People with herpes should wear stickers.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
