It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
