u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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