We got so high we made milksteak
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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