Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
