i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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