I just pynch a tree in the face
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He is an equal opportunity slut.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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