At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize