Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
