Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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