If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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