Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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