My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
