To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
