well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
