You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
