peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
