mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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