I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
