Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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