im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I touched a dick in church today
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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