Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
