I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize