Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
