I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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