if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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