I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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