she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
